Loud Silence

WAY V LIVE

Loud Silence

‘Is any sound more melodious than silence?’ So harmonious, with its own unique raaga, plunging deep in to soul and spreading calmness across heart and mind; a melody complete in itself – Vinod closed his eyes to see what’s inside him.  

‘Is there anything more dreadful than silence?’ Akhila was just unable to concentrate on road in this quietness. She is looking for reasons, words, to answer all the thoughts stirred up a while ago and this silence is just - so much scary.

‘On a journey with friends on a much needed vacation, why is everyone so silent? This idiot Vinod thinks he is extremely good with logic and words. Why can’t he just shut his mouth sometimes? Not everyone can understand him and why can’t he realize it?’ Suresh started getting impatient, ‘all his self-acclaimed clever words ended up in this silence – this is so worthlessly empty!!”

Suresh moved impatiently in his seat, unable to bear the silence anymore – reached for the remote and switched audio to FM. Random discussions, songs, noises started coming out, each one of them not lasting even for few seconds and started to disrupt the wavelengths of silence. Occasionally few sounds lasted a bit longer than few seconds and Suresh tried listening to them keenly, but heard nothing interesting and the scrolling continued. He finally gave up his quest for some old Hindi songs. “Ye kahan aa gaye hum ..” Kishore ji and Lata ji replaced Eagles extremely melodiously.

“I like this song” Gowri got up quiet swiftly, adjusted herself in the seat, and told “Suresh increase the volume a bit please.” Suresh felt good, as he felt at least someone is in cheerful mood today and increased the volume. ‘Some sounds are just never too loud’ Gowri felt – she loved old Bollywood songs.

The songs almost came to end, Gowri asked, “How far have we come?” Akhila responded in a lost tone, “we just completed half journey I guess, and it’s already 8 am” Gowri picked up the lostness, “That’s ok, don’t strain too much” tried to reassure Akhila, “at least we are enjoying the journey”

Suresh and Akhila looked at each other blankly. Both did not know whether to laugh or cry – they did not have anything to say back.  Suresh felt to slap Vinod badly. Gowri got curious and looked at Vinod who was looking out of window totally lost in his world. “Vinod is everything fine?”  Gowri put her hand on Vinod and pushed slightly. Vinod turned around as though rattled from his silence, “Yeah, why?” Gowri questioned back, “Why is everyone so silent?”

Vinod got back in to the car with some guilt of being selfish. He did not want to say anything to Gowri on his nirvana thoughts and disturb people more, but diverted the topic “Yeah, even I noticed that too, why is everyone silent? Suresh is everything fine?” This time Suresh wanted to kill Vinod, but before he could do that, he noticed car slowing down and looked forward. Everyone in the car looked forward and there were long queues of variety of vehicles in 4 -5 lines.

“What the heck is this now?” Suresh yelled putting the all frustration and the intense idea to slap Vinod in his tone. He continued, “Akhila!! Quick!! Put the car behind this Toyota, the queue is small here.” Akhila reacted swiftly, took a deep cut to the right denying change to another blue car who also wanted the same place, and went behind the Toyota. She felt good being in shorter queue and even good because she fought her way there successfully, and said smoothly, “I guess we have to pay toll.”

Vinod felt irritated, but Suresh voiced it out, “Toll? Why the hell are we paying road tax then?” Vinod noticed a private company’s name on a sign board and said “Guess this company has made this road and now has the contract to maintain these roads for next few years”

Gowri joined, “they take money to make roads, they take money to maintain roads, they take money to upgrade roads; they take money to drive on roads … where does all this money go?” The remaining three gave out a deep sigh as there was only one answer – black money of rich politicians.

The more you talk about the topic the more you get frustrated – the system we live in, the government we vote for, the reforms that are only spoken about; more frustrating – every talks about it, no one does anything about it. And then the million dollar question comes up – if you want to change why can’t you be the change and do something about it? Get on to the streets, fight for it, and then for how long? Even the corrupt people in government know this part; They knows that people cannot fight on roads forever – give any fight a week for maximum – after that it dilutes, as all the people have to get back to their normal lives. And we, the people, get back to our lives trying to adjust and accommodate with what we get. There can be countless discussions on this in cars, cafes, office canteens, parking lots – but everything has to get back to ‘normal’ life. We know what’s happening is wrong; we know our hard earned money is exploited; we have the courage and intent to fight; what is stopping us then? Or rather what is lacking in us to fight?

All four in the car felt the frustration, as they had countless discussions on topic, and all of them ended in dissatisfaction. A brutal suffocating silence reigned over car. Vinod felt surprised how this silence was very different from his earlier one – the earlier one was complete in itself and in this one he felt there is something lacking. Suresh was silent calculating how much money we are being looted off each year and Gowri was silent thinking how better the citizens fight – perhaps with a coordinated effort across the nation with each city every week keeping the intensity of fight going.

For Akhila, it was even more frustrating as their queue was the slowest moving. The blue car came in to the line left of them and Akhila watched it move ahead of them helplessly. To add salt to her irony, the driver of the blue car looked out of his window and gave a wicked wink to Akhila. Her fists automatically tightened around the wheel, told to herself silently, ‘I will see you on the other side of the toll, you son-of-a-b**ch.’

After over 13 -15 slow and dragging minutes, Akhila paid 75 rupees toll and came out on other side. The blue car was nowhere to be seen. She changed the gears and pressed the gas hard, with a small jerk and leap the car shot forward like a bullet. The jerk shattered everyone out of their thoughts and leap pushed them back in their seats. All three looked at Akhila, who looked totally focused as a soldier set for war.

99% Struggle --> 1% Happy (?)

WAY V LIVE

“99% Struggle à 1% Happy (?)”

A soldier is posted at a forward area. He carries his favorite machine gun and marches towards the border enthusiastically. His job is to protect the borders and so he does so with a lot of passion. He follows orders to the word in the best interest of him and his battalion. In his term of posting, he develops strong bonding with fellow soldiers; some become very close to him. In all the good time he thinks about upcoming battles. He prepares and plans. He thinks what to do to win and live another day, and promises himself to save country and fellow battalion at whatever cost. The day of his first fight comes and a lot of blood is spilled – blood from his battalion too. He wins the battle and endures pain. His heart shrinks, thinks, contemplates, but continues to guard the borders. A lot of time passes by and blood, bullets, and blizzards become his day to day activity. He takes them all with known familiarity and wisdom for he knows every battle has collateral damage and ‘we lose some, we gain some’. He realizes that some battles you win, and in some, retreat is wise. A big war arrives and he feels this is what is he was or has been prepared for all his life. Enemy comes up with an undefeatable strategy and surrounds the battalion from all directions and traps them. The war grows intense and enemy advances. Despite certain defeat and chilling fear, the soldier does not give up. He continues fighting as that is the only thing he knows. He loses is friends one by one; every happiness and laughter he once had with them can never be brought back – he continues to fight. He and his closest companion remain; he pledges he still has a reason to stay strong – he continues to fight. He loses ground every day; he stays close to his faiths and beliefs – he continues to fight. His hopes of winning fade every day; his heart starts losing emotions – he continues to fight. Eventually his companion falls on ground; he heart fills with emptiness – He continues to fight. He remains alone with his favorite gun; ‘till the last breath’ he reminds himself – he continues to fight; His favorite gun fires its last bullet and ‘his war’ is over – he realizes death is certain. He knows any time now his heart can be pierced by a bullet. All of a sudden a smile shows up on his face; a smile complete; a smile which has nothing to lose.

“It’s rather strange – any happiness you experience may not be complete within itself – it might just be an elevated mood; but when you don’t feel unhappy anymore – perhaps, that’s when permanent state of happiness sprouts.”

Vinod let out a deep ‘hmm’ and looked around in to reality. It did not change much, except that he is not driving. Eagles were still singing, white Honda city was cruising at 120 kmph, Suresh and Gowri were still dipping their heads often and Akhila was at the wheel, humming along with Eagles and zooming past every single vehicle in sight. It seemed to him for a moment, that he was the only one who was still in the hangover of ‘nivarna’ tea.

The fog was melting giving way sun rays. Everything outside the window seemed to be gradually embracing golden yellow hue, with bright diamonds scattered whenever a fast sun ray pierced through a dew drop. ‘How beautiful?’ Vinod was filled with freshness with that splendid sight. “How are we doing Akhila?” He asked. “Welcome back to Earth, Sir!!” Akhila giggled, “We covered half way.” “Not bad” Vinod appreciated, “you are fast.” Akhila graciously accepted the compliment. She has some good feeling and respect mixed in equal quantities for Vinod. Once reason being, Vinod never had any male ego stop him when complimenting a girl or accepting them better than him. It’s rare she thought.

“All fine Vinod? You seem lost. Are you still thinking about the old couple?” Akhila asked. Vinod smiled and shook his head as ‘yes’; he looked out of the window and did not know what else to say. Even if he wanted to say, he did not know how to. He was really unsure how many would look at life as he does. But now, Vinod decided to give it a shot “well, yes ...” He thought for a moment, but could not go any forward. Akhila, knowing Vinod, tried to understand remaining unsaid words, “mm … are you upset for them?” “No, no, nothing so!!” Vinod said instantaneously. Vinod did not know what he was felt for old couple. It was something like pity, but not pity. The more he thought what he felt about them, he felt like being sucked in to a vaccume. Akhila watched Vinod from rear view mirror, his eyes were saying something, but clearly, he was struggling for words.

“I was sorry to see an old couple in such misery, struggling each day, but honestly, if you would not have started that conversation, I would not have not even bothered” Akhila took the lead in conversation. She wants Vinod to get whatever he had been thinking out of his head. Vinod seemed to get a lead, “Why would you have not noticed them Akhila?” Akhila gave a short smile and nod, happy that her lead was working and more over this question was expected. “Simple Vinod, its 6 am in morning, dead cold, I had 3 tired passengers who badly needed this 3-day break, and for them to get maximum time on their vacation, I would have got down, had tea, and get back on my way – all in 5 minutes. In all this, how can I look in to the old woman’s eyes and try to figure out what she is thinking?” She said very casually.

Vinod went blank for moment, and then a quick tiny smile came up which did not make it out on to his face, ‘not many can align with me’ he thought. He got Akhila’s point, but dint want to talk back anything as it might sound like an argument. No point, we live in different worlds, he concluded. “Sorry, dint mean to put you down” Akhila said apologetically mistaking Vinod’s silence that he is hurt, “I was only trying to say why I could not have noticed, you see, these priorities in our lives .. .. ” “No worries” Vinod said back assuring. After a silent moment he said again, “but I see your point” he added with a wink. “What to do you mean? What’s my point?” Akhila asked curiously. Vinod coolly said “Point being, we are so programmed for timelines, we miss out on life.”

“What do you mean life, Vinod?” Akhila turned assertive from casual, “For me it means being happy, me and close ones being happy. But, we live in a brutal society and system, there is no place for weak – so we have to work. Work really hard. But I enjoy that, as that work gives me enough resources to keep me and my family happy and secure. So, this is life for me – even if I don’t put timelines – the world we live it put them for me; I can stop by to hear somebody’s life – but that will not give me more minutes in my life; I may sound selfish, but am practical” she ended with a heavy breath.

Vinod smiled softly, “Agreed. I totally agree with each and every word you say” after a brief pause he asked, “You mentioned about you and your family being happy, what do you mean by happiness?” Akhila gave it a thought, and let out a list “parties, movies, shopping, spa’s, travel, holiday’s … and the biggest happiness is when I achieve something, for example when I passed out of CA.” Vinod did not respond immediately, as though he wanted to hear more. Akhila also thought for a while, she listed them nonetheless, but felt something was missing on that list. After a couple of minutes, Vinod asked “are you sure they give you happiness or do they just give an elevated mood for that moment? I mean how long does your ‘happy moment’ last? You go to a party, you feel good/happy but how long can you retain that mood? There will be some events which like passing out of CA or other similar which help this elevated mood retain for long time, but it has to end sometime.”

“You are being extremely critical Vinod, we need these small happiness’s in life to go on, as otherwise it’s just work” Akhila said, still feeling that something was missing in her list. “I agree with you to totally again. My point is just that we struggle hard for 99% of our lives to get these temporary moments of happiness in life. We justify this 99% struggle with a satisfaction that we are working to be happy. But unfortunately these happy moments are not one time affair and not permanent. As I said, you party, you feel good and it lasts for a week and after that you have to party again. Similarly shopping,” Vinod stopped the flow as though thinking over what he said and concluded, “So technically we are burning ourselves - day in and day out – for these temporary moments of elevated moods. This is what I had been thinking.”

Akhila did not seem convinced with what Vinod said, but could not immediately reply anything too. She visibly seemed struggling to get an answer as she strongly felt that there has been definitely more to her life than just these temporary elevated moods.

The traffic increased on the highway, and so did the thoughts in Akhila’s mind, but the White Honda city continued to cruise silently and swiftly towards its destination.